So, I’m currently stuck in one of the most toxic relationships I have ever formed in my life…. What better way to explore it than by writing about it, kinda…..
The funny thing about being in bad relationships is that once you’re in, it’s a lot harder to get out than a lot of people would imagine. When looking at it logically, it seems simple; you recognize the signs of it being an abusive relationship and you get out. Plain and simple. However, from this side of the fence, it’s a lot harder….
The fact of the matter for myself is that I am attracted to chaos, because chaos is what I know. Being a psych major has helped a lot in the stepping outside of myself department and looking at things rationally and figuring out the roots of them (i’m quite Freudian in my approach to people and life… not so much the penis envy thing, but moreso things in life are a manifestation of the subconscious war between the id and the superego and the ego’s management of the two). So, as I have stepped back from this thing I have with this person and looked at it for what it is, I have realized that my attraction is moreso to what he represents, as well as the driving force of my pride.
I know the latter part of that last statement is odd, but I’ll explain. Once I have actually become emotionally invested in something, I have to leave it feeling like I have won. In the sense of a relationship, it means that since I have been hurt once, I need to strike back and hurt twice. “Revenge is sweet and not fattening”
Thus begins this toxic relationship. The one thing I cannot stand above all in relationship is someone lying in my face. I am already a very suspicious person who doesn’t trust easily by nature, so if you are lying, I will find it, point blank.
Enter stage left, the psychopath… cold, manipulating, driven by obtaining power over others. The lie has been discovered, my pride has been wounded, and so it begins. The relationship once based solely on love, has become this toxic game to see which one of us will give in to the other and break the other first. The funny and sick thing is, we both knew it without speaking it. The psychopath is the most formidable opponent in a game of wills and wit, especially for someone as attracted to chaos as I am. He is intelligent and thinks of life in terms of a chess board, because even when it comes to his heart, he stays rational, something I struggle to do. So the dangerous cycle begins, with every round raising the stakes higher.
Recently, the stakes were raised to a dangerous point and now it has turned balls in my court as to deal. Seeking council of someone dear to me, she tries to persuade me that an eye for an eye leaves the whole world blind…. but the satisfaction in being the bigger person, forgiving, and letting karma handle the rest is a difficult and nonexistent for a hedonist who likes to feel the resultant pleasure of ones own action. So for now, I am at a crossroads… Every round he raises the stakes in such a manner that we will soon reach a very perilous platform, one that can’t be returned from…yet I am stuck, because a combination of pride, lust, love, hate, mistrust, and magnetism attract me to this black hole that consumes me in such a powerful manner. As much as I hate every minute of how this war is making me feel, I love every minute of it as well.
Le Sigh
I often wondered how my parents could find the one person on earth who is the absolute worse match for them and not realize it until it was too late…. well here is my answer.
