Ooo-de-lally Ooo-de-lally Golly What a Day

Ugghhh there is nothing more frustrating than being in a battle of wills with someone you love because if you are the bigger person and let things go, then that is the pattern that becomes established.  Though I don’t mind being the bigger person, it gets old really quickly. Le sigh

“When you’re an insomniac, nothing is real”- The Nameless Narrator

For some reason, I’m going through another phase where sleep wants to elude me.  It’s funny how different the world is when you haven’t slept in 36 hours.  I finally crashed last night and am now thinking quite clearly for the first time in days.  The brain is an interesting thing.  Lack of oxygen, water, and sleep will all kill you.  21 hours of sleeplessness can make a person act equivalent to having an bac of .08 and after 33 hours hallucinations begin.  In people with bipolar disorder, periods of insomnia precede manic episodes and during manic episodes less sleep is needed for most patients.  Studies have been done associating mood with sleep, one can be more irritable or one can be euphoric… sleep deprivation alongside anti-depressants can be a temporary quick cure for depression (so if u need one day of happiness in your down, just take your med and stay awake). 

Anyway, enough of random facts about sleep deprivation, like aforementioned I have not slept in 36 hours for no real reason other than I lay down and try to sleep and it just wouldn’t happen.  It’s crazy because like said in the quote nothing is real after that period of time.  I can’t tell if what I am experiencing is real or not or if the conversations I’m having are real or not.  It’s funny because I actually appear very alert (according to people who spoke to me within the last 36 hours). The world just feels like a dream, like a walking dream, but it’s real because you can feel actual sensations like pain (if you are ever unsure if something is real pinch or poke yourself with something sharp, then you’ll know).  The only thing that I am sad about in my insomnia is that I have never hallucinated in my life.  I’ve never seen fantastical things or created a person that wasn’t actually there.  The next time this happens, I will make it a plan to stay up until that happens, just for the experience of it.  I want to know what it feels like when the brain is so exhausted that it creates an image to try and make you sleep.  I also just want to see what sort of image my brain would create.

Au revoir pour maintenant mon amis.

Why is saying goodbye to someone you know is not right for you so freaking hard.  I had to find some sort of outlet right now to just stop me from texting said person and being like “let’s try this again” so now I’m writing about it here.  Part of me is like, I’m young, this can be a in the meantime thing, but the smarter half of me knows this person is absolutely bad news and this is how people get stuck in situations that mentally drain and do more harm than good….. Le sigh this is that whackness for real…. I need a distraction, in the shape of something or someone… smh at my weakness right now…